Back in 2011t my family had bought me an Impressive looking computer for my birthday. The latest of everything, plus the latest Microsoft Operating System 'SPEAK'. SPEAK' had been released just three days before; now one was installed in my den.

I eagerly looked forward to using plain English commands instead of the keyboard. That promise was slightly exaggerated.

When the screen came to life I said 'START'. Nothing. I tried OPEN, which brought a pretty Chinese lady to the screen saying 'ngong wah xao'. I then tried 'GO', getting the same answer from the lady.

So I tried another approach and said INITIALIZE. Another pretty Chinese lady appeared and said "want language?" I answered 'YES". Another 'ngong wah xao'. Then I just said 'LANGUAGE'. That finally got results. The lady smiled and said "ESPANOL O MANDARIN. I replied with a "NO", which earned me another 'ngong wah xao'. So I said just one word, "ENGLISH", to which she replied 'WAIT WHILE COMPUTER SET UP LANGUAGE'.

After a minute she reappeared with her smile and inquired 'OWNER NAME?' I gave her my name "horst schneider". She had a familiar answer for me, 'ngong wah xao'. By this time I had a hunch what it meant and gave her just my last name. 'SPELL NAME, PLEASE', she told me. I started with Sierra, Charlie, Hotel, and ended with Romeo.

The smile brightened, signifying her understanding. And then she amazed me when she said' THANK YOU MISTER ROMEO. YOUR NAME NOW RECORDED'. I didn't want to argue with her, so I let it go. But she wasn't finished yet.

I should have expected that there would be another announcement. The smiling lady now told me that only the finest ingredients were used in the manufacture of this computer; and that the happy workers at factory number 128 in Duzhong had installed the latest Microsoft Operating System.

I would be pleased to know that this computer had a full year warranty and also free tech support for a full year. The support would be based in Bangladesh and would be staffed by knowledgeable and friendly operators who had completed their High School assignments in English with at least a C+. While the service was free there might be a slight phone charge depending on my phone service since the use of 800 numbers had been discontinued in order to maintain the low prices and high standards that factory 128 was known for.

The lady was very pretty, but still I wondered if I would have to put up with her all the time as the system's interface. So when I tried "WORD", the pretty lady vanished and the program appeared at once. It looked as it should until I discovered that everything in the menu bar and the pull-down menus were in Chinese ideographs I did not understand.

So I quit 'WORD' and let the smiling lady return. True, I don't understand spoken Chinese or Chinese writing, but I understand pretty ladies.