So let me get up on my soapbox and start in on the subject “WOMEN’.

Let me make one thing clear right at the start, I like them all, as a species. And I know you guys will agree with that, in fact I know of a few guys who like several girls despite being married to just one.

You girls claim that us guys will not ask for directions. But look at how you give directions. You will say something like ‘that place is right up the street, then turn at the drugstore’. Unless the city is built on a hill I wouldn’t have a foggy idea which direction ‘up the street’ might be.

And then you want me to turn at the drugstore. I will be happy to turn there, but do I turn right or left? And if you tell me there is the next problem, did you mean this right or the other right.

That is not the only language problem. What does it mean if a woman says to her husband ‘the light bulb in the hallway burned out’. Does she just state a fact, or is she saying that she changed the light bulb? I don’t think so. It seems more likely that she really said to you “go and change the light bulb in the hallway”.

Now the worst is when your wife does not talk. Finally you wonder if anything is wrong. And if she answers ‘there is nothing wrong’, you can be sure to have a lecture coming about what you said or did a while ago. My advice here is: listen, nod, say ‘yes dear’, then go and buy her some chocolate.

I could go on giving you guys a whole dictionary of translations. But I will close with the very worst scenario.

You come home from work and try to hug her and she says “don’t touch me”. Brother, you are in trouble. Don’t press her, just get her a nice bouquet of flowers and wait. The storm will gather, dark clouds will rain on you, and you will get soaking wet. Endure it like the strong man you are.

Have you ever come home and felt like a stranger in a strange land? Where nothing in the house is where it was when you left for work in the morning? Didn’t happen to you? You must be a newly-wed.

When it comes to clothes, we men are a bargain. We don’t ever need a new spring outfit. In fact, we love our old shoes that have been worn in and are comfortable.

Let me close on a positive note. We men are really so easy to handle, and I am happy to give you gals the recipe. Let us sit on the couch, find us the remote we left somewhere yesterday, and bring us a beer from the fridge.